Posted by: spickering | March 27, 2007

Day 1

I’ve been nervously ill for most of my life. Now I’m 40, and it’s sad because I have missed so many of the best years of my life due to it. When I was young, this nervous illness manifested itself into things like the inability to speak in public, and this caused me much humiliation, low self esteem, and “running away” from a variety of situations, including opportunities of a rewarding, “real” life. That was bad enough, but back in 2001, the nervous illness manifested into panic attacks, and suffering those all this time has been a true hell. What has been so bewildering is that I can feel perfectly fine one moment, and then the next moment be in a full fledged panic.

The good news is that I now know how to cure my condition. The first part of my recovery is to quit my addictions: Tobacco, Alcohol, and Caffeine (TAC) also there is my food addiction, but that will be taken care of by the Body for Life program. Actually, addiction is one thing, but it can manifest itself in many different things. Even though “panic” is a psychological problem, and technically one can continue to use TAC and still recover from it, its just not an option for me anymore. My nerves are so hyper sensitized that any stimulation by these substances just automatically launches me into panic. That wasn’t always the case. In the past, these substances actually relieved my suffering, and that’s how I became addicted to them, I suspect. The second part of the cure is the work of Dr. Claire Weekes, who spent her whole career treating and curing people suffering from this. I’ll write more about her later, or maybe I’ll start a whole new blog devoted to the subject.

For now, I’ll concentrate on the first phase. So, once again, I’ll use this blog as a tool, a tool for motivation and accountablility: what I want to do is achieve the goal of ending all use of addictive substances, TAC, for 84 days. Personally I feel like I want to do it permanently, especially with tobacco, but for now I want to set a definite goal I can achieve, and besides, it’s possible that after some time, and my nerves become desensitized, I’ll be able to moderately enjoy alcohol and coffee again.

So, now it’s 12 noon, and my first little “baby step” is to get pass this first 24 hours without those things. Really, I think the first 3 days or so is the hardest. I may be very depressed during these first days, like a child giving up its blanket, but I think I will come out on the other side with a renewed vitality. But, at any rate, as each 24 hour period passes, and I am successful I’ll mark another “day.” My goal here is 84 successful days. I must be clear: during this time I can’t even have one glass of wine, one cup of coffee, or one dip. What will be my reward? I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that!

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